Why I chose to #thrive

I had been seeing a friend's transformation over the past few years.  She completely changed the way she ate, her routine and the results were amazing.  I'd seen her posts on various other products before but never really saw the need.  I had tried shakeology and oils and never really saw the benefit to justify the cost.  Honestly, when she started promoting #thrive, I unfollowed her for a while.  It was just too much.  I don't remember what I saw that made me look up her profile one day.  Turns out I had missed quite a bit of her story over just a couple months.  Honestly, she looked amazing and there was just a new outlook and tone to her posts.  They didn't feel like a selling post, but more pure excitement to feel awesome.

In my last post, I alluded to some issues I had gone through in the past year.  It is time I really shared because I think it is important for me to own up to my own negligence and ignorance when it comes to my health.  I was diagnosed with Graves disease in 2004.  Of a list of over 20 symptoms I had all but one (unexplained weight loss).  A couple months later, I had a radioactive ablation and began taking thyroid replacement medication.  I have never been good at taking pills.  I do great during the week during the school year, but summers, weekends, breaks are never consistent and therefore the habit never really sticks.  I felt better for the most part.  I no longer sweat like crazy for no reason, my eyes don't bug out of my head, my anxiety and depression subside.  There are definitely symptoms that stay with me now that I am considered hypothyroid.  I experience chronic fatigue with insomnia.  I become extremely sluggish not only in my movements but in my speech.  I can tell when my levels are off because my tongue will start to swell.  At my worst last year, my entire body was swollen and my organs were beginning to shut down.  The hair on my arms and legs will fall out.  I start to get bald spots near my temples.  I grow long black hair on my chin.  My skin becomes so dry it is scaly and cracked.  My nails get thicker but brittle.  But worse than all of those symptoms is thyroid brain fog.  I struggle to complete thoughts, sentences and conversations with people are hard.  I'm short tempered, impatient mainly because I'm angry with myself for not being able to think clearly.

Which brings me back to Amy.  One of the stories she posted caught my eye.  The person did the 8 week trial and one of the main benefits she spoke about was mental clarity.  I still wasn't buying in, but I stopped dismissing these testimonials for #thrive.  A couple of weeks ago, Amy posted that she was giving away a sample and I thought why not.  She sent it to me with the warning that this is really a system and that I may not see a benefit in the 3 days, but I could see what the 3 steps were like, whether I liked the lifestyle mix, and see if I wanted to try it out.  I had my doubts but at this point figured I had nothing to lose.  Side note... as of my last blood work a couple months ago, my thyroid levels are "normal" but I still experience some of those same symptoms.  I had just kind of accepted that this would be my life.  For all intents and purposes I am relatively healthy.  So that Friday morning I got up, took the vitamin, put on the patch and went about my day.  I was testing students that morning which normally wears me out mentally.  I noticed around noon that I wasn't tired.  I wasn't bouncing up and down with energy but I wasn't drained.  I also wasn't scattered.   Y'all, I had forgotten what it was like to think clearly.  It was amazing.  Even that afternoon and night, I was able to remember why I walked in a room, follow a task to completion without getting sidetracked.  If a colleague popped in with a question, I could answer and get back to what I was doing without a 10 to 15 minute delay trying to figure out where I was or what I was doing before they came in.  It doesn't sound like much, but for me it was everything.  I could think clearly instead of feeling like my brain was working in slow motion trying constantly to catch up.  Saturday, I took the one vitamin, followed by the patch and the lifestyle mix.  Again, I didn't feel any burst of energy, but I didn't want to go back to bed or just lounge all day.  I got up.  I made breakfast.  I didn't need a nap or start falling asleep after being up an hour.  I cleaned up the kitchen, did laundry, folded and put it away.  I wasn't doing anything special but on any other Saturday I would have gone back to bed, taken a nap or made any excuse not to do the things that need to get done.  That Saturday I realized it was time to do something so I did it.  Did I run around the block or go for a long walk?  No.  I sat on the couch and watched TV with Gibson or played with him, but I didn't feel the urge to procrastinate.  I also noticed that I had more patience with Gibson.  I wasn't as quick tempered with him as I usually am.  I don't give him his medication on weekends in an effort to make his prescription last longer so weekends around here can be tough.  I'm exhausted, he is tired, but he can't focus and has extra energy to burn which leads to frustration on both our parts.  On Sunday the final day of my trial, Amy called me to talk about what I thought and whether I thought it could be a good thing for me and I had to admit I was sold.  But I'd have to wait til payday to order and work it into my budget.  

Which brings me to today, May 5th and the first day of my #thrive experience.  I only took one vitamin and half a lifestyle mix today and the difference in my thought process is astounding to me.  I've been told that weight loos is a side effect of #thrive.  Honestly, with how well I feel and how clearly my thought processes, I would take it if it meant I would gain.  It's been that amazing. I don't use that word lightly as I think it is overused but it is a true descriptor of my feelings about how I am responding to this simple symptom.  I am going to update this daily and then post it when I am done with the 8 week experience.  Day 1 is in the bag and I feel great!  I went ahead and took before pictures just for myself.  If there is a difference, I will post before and after shots!

As you can see, I'm not happy with what I see in the picture or the mirror.  Definitely ready to see change for the better again!

 

Day 2: completely full day at work and I'm happy to report that I was alert and focused throughout the day.  It is teacher appreciation week and one of my schools had an Italian restaurant cater lunch.  I don't remember the last time I had Alfredo  (not the healthy choice I know, but seriously... it was delicious!)  Usually after a rich carb overindulgence I am in a carb induced coma.  Nope, not today folks.  Still awake still focused and that is a great feeling.  One thing Amy warned me about during my 3 day trial was not to have caffeine.  I rarely have caffeine since my surgery so I didn't think much of it.  She warned me that I would crash.  Tonight I had a glass of tea with dinner.  Caffeine never seemed to have an effect on me I thought so no problem right?  Um, wrong... I was good all day and now at 8:45, I'm ready for bed!  Lesson learned!

Day 3: nothing spectacular  except I wanted to drink more water.  Not in a I am thirsty I should drink water kinda way, but a I'm thirsty and water sounds really good to me kind of way.  Love that.

Day 4-5: Continued taking the vitamins and the lifestyle mix.  Again, nothing too noticeable.  At work Monday I was able to focus throughout a day of testing while STAAR testing was going on.  

Day 6:  My first day with the full system!  My DFT was a little delayed (thanks USPS) so I was excited when it arrived Monday and was not disappointed Tuesday.  On STAAR testing days I am usually cooped up in my office which leads to day dreaming, feeling restless and generally scattered.  I was able to complete testing, write reports and complete all the tasks on my checklist.  Win!

Day 7-9: Can't say enough how amazing it feels to get up, do everything you need to do and not feel like you need a nap or a xanex (not that I had any but still...)

Day 10:  THIS IS MY WHY!!!!  I took Gibson to Six Flags.  By myself.  Without him taking his medication.  Other than my eventual annoyance at the constant bouncing of basketballs ( I don't know why but that has to be one of the most irritating sounds on the planet to me), it was great.  When my phone died around 5:30 we had walked over 4 miles in the 3 hours we had been there.  We stayed until 9:30.  I was tired, but I wasn't exhausted.  I was sore but I wasn't in pain.

Day 11:  This is why I will continue to #thrive:  I woke up Sunday expecting to feel like a blob of goo.  After a day at Six Flags on my feet for hours chasing a hyperactive 5 year old around a crowded park, I should be exhausted, mentally and physically drained right?  I thought for sure that we would both sleep til noon and I was okay with that.  To my surprise I woke up at 7.  I got up, got dressed and started getting things on my to-do list checked off!  I cleaned both bathrooms.  I organized and cleaned out my bathroom (huge bag of unused products- gone), cleaned the kitchen, swept and mopped the floors.  Moved all toys out of my living room and into Gibson's room.  Cleaned Gibson's room (except his closet... that's his job).  Did most of the laundry and actually put most of it away.  Oh, and I played with my son.  I even went to bed at a decent time, but not before I remembered to set the oven to self-clean and start the dishwasher.  It is Day 12 as I write this.  It is 3 pm and I have had 4 bottles of water and got a route 44 water from sonic.  I crave water.  That is amazing.... I've always hated drinking water so I didn't even when I knew I needed it. I'm awake, alert.  I completed 4 ARD meetings today, finished all the paperwork and submitted it.  I also wrote 2 reports.  

Day 11

Day 12

 

I'm going to continue to post updates throughout this process, but I couldn't wait to share!  I want everyone to feel this good!!!  If you are interested, here is a link to find out more or order yours!

Biannual update

I really did intend to update this blog more than twice a year.  Oh well.  I don't even know where to begin.  Let's see, we are living in Denton.  I was sitting outside tonight after Gibson went to bed and I realized that this place is really great for us.  I love our neighborhood.  Its this hidden neighborhood that feels like its outside the city but I can get to anything I need to in about 10-15 minutes.  Sitting on my porch tonight I could hear the highway and coyotes howling.  I could see airplanes and stars.  I could really do without the armadillos though.  There are holes all over my backyard and side-yard.

Gibson started kindergarten in August.  We are in the 5th week of school already!  Insanity :)  There are good days and bad days.  It is definitely an adjustment.  Pray for him.  He is struggling with something that is too big for his 5 year old emotions to handle.  It is externalizing in unfortunate ways.  I feel very lucky that he is going to a school that I worked in last year.  I know all the teachers, administrators and counselors which makes it easier to receive multiple phone calls a week.  They are honest and blunt and I need to hear what is going on even if I don't want to.  I just wish I knew how to help him.  It breaks my heart to know he is hurting and not be able to help.

This year I am working in Keller again.  I am loving it.  It is a great district and I am settling into my diagnostician position nicely.  This is how I pictured this job when I dreamed of having it.  Last year was one wrong turn after another.  Add in a move, bad health and a child who doesn't deal well with travel or change.  It was a hell of a year.

I am so excited for this new chapter in our lives.  I have faith that Gibbs will get through this.  It will be hard and there will be bad days along the way, but I think we both are ready to move forward in our lives.  This is the first time in a long time that I have felt at home.  And now that I have rambled on... here is a photo dump to update you on our last 9 months. :)  You were warned!

Labor Day weekend, kayaking on Pecan Creek and Lake Lewisville

Ranger game 8/30

A Drumstick for $1, yes please:)

I might have bought us matching shoes... he is still little and I can get away with it!

Gibson on the 2nd day of school, about to get on the bus... mommy fail taking the picture on day 1.

First day of Kindergarten
August 24, 2015

We take too many selfies.

Great days at the Oasis at Choctaw.

Fun with Nana at the beach

Gibson turned 5 and saw the ocean

Memorial Day and Daddy's birthday

Uncle Chad is always good for a crazy selfie :)

New summer, new swimsuit.  He wore it out this season!

Spring at the farm requires rain boots

Fun times at walmart

That time that Gibson snuck his Halloween costume in his backpack and put it on while at school... and refused to take it off.

First time fishing and he actually caught one.  

This is swollen Amber.  One of the many symptoms I failed to see.  This is actually after I started getting better.  For those that have thyroid issues, take your meds and don't ignore symptoms!  I learned the hard way...

Obligatory bluebonnet picture.

Sleepy boy.  There were so many nights were he would fall asleep on the couch from sheer exhaustion.

I don't remember where we were or what we were doing but I love the picture and the lady!

Love this crazy kid

This sums up our winter.  Him exhausted and passed out.  Me swollen, exhausted and yet plagued with insomnia.

Ch ch changes

One of the worst things to experience as a parent is seeing the worst part of your personality in your child.  Gibson's is my child.  He is stubborn, headstrong, fiercely independent and yet craves love and affection.  He comes by it honestly.  The hardest part of this surgery is realizing that my fears that led to so many self sabotaged on weight loss journeys past were founded in certain truths about myself that I'm not quite sure how to deal with or handle.   Being bigger, I could blame it on the weight, now I don't have that to hide behind and the pain and fear is still here and very real.  And I'm passing it to Gibson.  It has to stop now.  I will not let my child grow up without friends.  I won't let him alienate himself to mask his insecurities.  I will learn to make friends and to love myself so that he will learn these things.  He will see a strong, whole woman and become a strong, whole man.  I will be a role model for him.  I just have to figure out where to begin....

We moved!

Gibson and I are officially living in Denton!  We have been in the duplex for 11 days and I can already feel the weight of the commute slipping away.  I seriously underestimated how stressful that drive would be for me and Gibson.  The drive itself wasn't bad but the unpredictability of traffic.  I never knew if it was going to be a 35 min drive or a 2 hour drive.  We put the house on the market in Irving and got a full price offer in 2 days!  We are waiting on the appraisal to come back.  Gibson loves the extra time and attention he is getting and I love that I can run home for lunch (or to throw ingredients into a crackpot for dinner) on my 30 min lunch.  I love that I can go home before I pick him up to prep food, start laundry, etc so that when I pick him up, it's all about Gibson.  That part of this move is priceless.  We hung out in Denton this weekend with the Houston Elementary 5k Saturday morning, playing at the park and having brunch.  It was relaxed and the perfect start to our new routine and life in Denton!

I stink at blogging

I am a religious blog follower.  It is my favorite thing to do in the morning.  My first alarm goes off and after I snooze once, I press the Feedly Icon and peruse my favorite blogs.  How all these women find the time to write these daily posts is beyond me.  However, it also occurs to me that if I were a little more regular in updating my blog, it might be a little more organized and have a lot less random ramblings of my over-worked, over-stressed, over-tired brain.  :)  Seriously though, for those that do read and follow my progress, thank you for continuing to hold me accountable and ask for updates because it helps motivate me and keep "Post to blog" on my to-do list no matter how many times it gets bumped down because something more immediate comes up.  For the past couple of months, there have been so many things happening and changing as we adjust to a new commute, new schools, a new job, new friends, old friends, purging old stuff and generally trying to streamline as many things as possible so that the chaotic things we cannot control do not take over.

First off, let me say that I love my new job.  However, it is so much more stressful than I imagined it to be!  There is so much to keep organized and once you get one thing down there pop up 10 things more to do and its never ending!  Its fun though.  It is challenging and a juggling act or organizing, scheduling and coordinating while trying to stay within federal, state and local laws and policies which sometimes say 3 different things.  Holy Moly, what have I gotten myself into!  I miss the kids, but let me say this, it is absolute loveliness to be able to walk in a classroom and read a book with a child and then walk back out and go back to work.  No meltdowns, no snot, no back talk, no preteen drama (although that was entertaining in its own way).

Second, Gibson and I could use some prayer people.  I think we have turned a corner and I do not want to put the whole story out on the internet for the world to see, but we had a rough start to pre-K.  Let's just go with the statement that our first pre-K school was not a good fit for Gibson.  We are on our third week in a new school and it is like I have a brand new child.  Thank you!  I was really beginning to worry about him and I do think there are somethings going on that need to be addressed, but our daily situation has greatly improved since moving from the first school to his current school.  Poor child doesn't know whether we are coming or going.  He told me yesterday he wanted our other car back because we weren't in it as much!  Which brings me to my next subject, our house hunt.

Oh my goodness.  One of the things I like about Denton is that it is a college town.  There is just something different about the feeling you get from a college town.  Even when they are bigger cities, they feel small.  There are walkable neighborhoods and there is always something to do that is usually cheap or free.  There are parks and plays, football and recreation.... I could go on, but I will not bore you because that is apparently why everyone else and there dog wants to live here too!  IT IS SO COMPETITIVE!  And Expensive!  Oh and all these places have turned to income restriction housing so they can be "luxury" and qualify students.  Fantastic!  Super!  I'm so glad that 21 year old frat boy can have his keg party in a luxury apartment while I get told that I make too much money at place after place.  Don't get me wrong, there are affordable places to live here.  And they are tiny or just plain old, or there are 15 people who qualify and I am always next in line.  Its frustrating.  And for the most part, the commute isn't bad.  Especially since Gibson likes his school now, it isn't so much of a battle.  But for instance, last night, he had a great day at school and because I had gone to see about a sublease on a duplex (fingers crossed, prayers sent, whatever voodoo you subscribe to please send good thoughts our way!), anyway, we got a late start home.  This puts us in more traffic and puts Gibson in the sun the entire way home.  And then there was a wreck on 35.  He screamed bloody murder with big old crocodile tears from the Lewisville Lake bridge until we pulled into our driveway at 7:45.  And then I had to cook dinner.  So it was another late night and he still hadn't gotten the direct attention from me that he is so desperate for these days.  Mommy fail.  Those days are hard.  Other days, my work load is lighter, I can pick him up, we get home around 5, we can walk, play, then cook dinner and do all the chores.  The hardest part is the day to day being so out of my control and yet ultimately on my shoulders because I decided to make this move.  I decided that this was what is best for us and it hasn't worked out as smoothly or easily as the plan in my head.  I truly feel in my gut though that this is the right move for us and that everything will fall into place when it is supposed to.

Finally, for those of you wondering how I am doing on the weight loss front.  I am still losing weight.  For lack of a better way to describe it, I'm becoming lighter but not necessarily smaller these days as I need to do ALOT of toning.  I am one squishy mess right now!  However, I am super happy to report that I found a fabulous foundation garment at Dillards on clearance that holds all the "extra" in (I call it my leftovers cause its not really fat, its just kinda there).  Y'all- I bought a pair of skinny jeans AND I look pretty good in them if I do say so myself.  I am now buying in the regular sections and no longer am in the plus sizes.  Last week,  I wore my hot pink pencil skirt, a denim shirt and heels.  I thought it was just a casual little outfit but I have gotten more complements and one girl told me she wishes she had legs like mine to pull it off!  Y'all I bout fell out of my chair.  I have never been told I have good legs in my life!  EVER!  I literally laughed out loud!  She asked why I laughed and I showed her a pic of me a year ago.  She didn't believe me :)  I love that!

I am currently down to 183 pounds and a BMI of 32.4.  Still obese.  So close though... I want to be in the just "overweight" category so badly.  So, with the exception of a couple of weekends ago where I completely blew the the whole don't consume sugar thing and had cookies, brownies and alcohol.  (yes- I drank a margarita sitting at the ballgame on my 33rd birthday 10 rows behind home plate thank you very much :))  Today, I'm wearing an outfit I would have never been able to pull off in the past because I have never been able to buy boots that fit.  I had thick ankles and huge calves.  Even extended calf boots weren't an option because my ankles were so thick I could not begin to zip them up.  Today, I'm wearing my new boots with leggings, a long tank and my denim shirt.  While I feel naked because I'm not technically wearing pants, I've been told I look great several times today and even more people tell me they love my boots!  I do too!  

Me on my birthday before I decided to change clothes!

Ranger game--- awesome seats thanks to Ashley!

Boots, leggings!

Our new duplex hopefully, we are supposed to sign the lease on Friday!

Gibbs doing homework... seriously brand new kiddo!

I feel so trendy!

Birthday outfit--- what's up, I'm wearing skinny jeans!

Overall, we are good!

I've tried to insert these pictures into the sections and put them in an order that makes sense and it just isn't working so if you made it this far... thanks!  I'm going to try to be more regular about updates so hopefully, you will be seeing more of us (less of me) soon!

The Red Dress

Back in 1997, my mom gave me a beautiful red dress for Christmas.  That spring I had hit my lowest weight, 147.5 pounds with the help of Jenny Craig and being on drill team (and having a 15 year old's metabolism).  

Easter 1997- size 8 Abercrombie jeans... with a gap in the back waistband... the smallest I was in high school.

Summer 1997- I also used to tan... I now freckle :)   I had put a couple pounds back on here, but still looked pretty darn good.

Cut to a summer of eating out and having fun. I had a boyfriend and we went out with friends and I didn't pay attention to my food the way I had in previous months.  Just before my birthday, I learned that we were moving to Waco and um... I didn't handle it well.  I was happy.  I was on drill team, I had a car, I had a job, I had a boyfriend, and I was having fun!  So, being an emotional eater, I started to drown my sorrows and undo all the good I had worked so hard for.  God bless my mom, she tried to re-motivate my by buying me this dress for Christmas.  It is a size 12 from Petite Sophisticate (remember them?).

I have never been able to wear this dress.  It has hung in my parents house or my house for the past 16 years.  It still has the tags on it because we thought I'd lose that 10 pounds (then 15, then 25, then 50... well you get the picture) I needed to lose to fit into it.  Those Abercrombie jeans used to hang on my wall as "inspiration" (actually stressed me and did the opposite, made me grab a cookie and a coke).  But this dress for the past 10 years, I have not even been able to put it on my body much less zip it up or have it look decent on me.  Believe me, I have a long way to go for it to be anywhere close to wearable and now I'm realizing I may be too old for the length of this dress.  But for giggles tonight, I decided to play the masochistic fat girl game of pull out the smallest thing in your closet to see just how far you need to go.  Y'all, I got my legs in side by side and could stand up.  I didn't fall trying to fit both legs in.  In my head, I'm thinking, ha, yea ok Amber, congrats, you stepped into a circle of fabric... then I had this crazy idea to pull it up.  I am not going to lie... it was about like stuffing a sausage, and it wasn't pretty.  BUT I GOT INTO THE RED DRESS.  I use the term "into" liberally as I am STUFFED into this thing and I would tear it to shreds if I tried to zip it or sit or bend in any way.

HAHAHA--- seriously, I cannot believe I am actually sharing this picture, but this is huge for me!  Look at the cheesy smile on my face!  Oh it is absolutely horrible and it is NO WHERE CLOSE to zipping!  And good Lord I don't show that much thigh in shorts much less a dress, BUT IT'S ON MY BODY!!  

Ok, all this silliness aside.  I do want to take a moment to compare a year ago to me today.  I know I look better, I know I feel better, but when I was looking for the above pictures, I found this from just last summer... how did I not know how big I was.  I actually thought I looked okay.  

This is the only picture I have of me from last summer... and I was in a wedding.  I think that says everything right there.  I knew, just didn't KNOW yet.  I'm blocking someone who is standing facing the camera, feet shoulder with apart and I'm facing the side!  I was round!!!  Look at my arm!  There are so many things in the picture that make me shudder...

So this is me today.  100 pounds lighter!  And so much healthier and happier!  

Not the best picture because this dress was actually flattering but without a full length mirror, its hard to get a decent pic!

And still with so far to go, but I finally did it.  This week I did what I had come to think would not ever be possible.  I saw that 2 in the hundreds place on my scale, change to a 1.  Seriously, I'm a completely different shape than I was in high school, but I now weigh what I did my senior year.  Funny that I now carry my weight in my boobs and belly where before I carried it in my butt and thighs ( I defy gravity--- ha, no, sadly, I can't say that's true either)...  But I can officially state that I have said goodbye to 100 pounds.  I am so encouraged by peoples support.  It is incredible. Gibson and I have some big changes coming up and I am going to keep moving forward and I confidently state that I will wear that dress in public within a year from today.  I've shed 100 pounds- I have at least 50 to go.  Honestly, anything from this point forward is vanity cause I'm having fun doing it!  I like trying on clothes!  I don't feel like shamoo in a swimsuit (and its a black and white polka dot SPANX suit so I would be justified feeling like an orca:)).  

Officially 6 months out :) Coming up with more questions than answers...

Well, I have been holding out on writing this post for the past 15 days because I so wanted to say that I reached my goal of being under 200 pounds.  I am so freakin' close it is not even funny.  Seriously for the past 2 weeks I have been at 200.4-201.5 no more, no less.  I am going to pay strict attention to every drop of liquid and every morsel I put into my mouth over the next few weeks and hopefully get this train moving in the right direction again.

On the plus side, I'm finally crossing into the not plus size side!  It is so liberating to be able to go into a regular store and have so many more options.  Y'all, I went to Gap Outlet on Thursday and things were too big!  And for all you tiny people who say that Gap and Loft run big and you can always size down there... good for you, I've never experienced that so keep that thought to yourself and let me have my moment of glory!  I'm really starting to like what I see in the mirror.  My legs look better than I think they ever have.  My arms need alot of work as there is alot of extra skin and jiggle going on there, but they are smaller than they have been and I no longer feel like they have to be covered.  I went out in sleeveless dresses and tanks a few times over the past couple weeks!

Look at my arm!!!  I have an arm and a shoulder... I'm starting to see definition!  YAY!

I just finished up my daily courses for my diagnostician certification and my probationary certificate is on my certification record!  I'm so excited!  I was offered a position in Denton ISD and I proudly accepted it.  It is a little farther away than I would have liked.  However, I had 5 interviews and my mom asked me, if geography wasn't an issue, which one would I want?  Without hesitation, I said I would want Denton.  It was one of those times where everything just felt right.  I liked the people, I liked what they had to say, I like the support they give their diags.  I will miss Keller Middle, but really feel like I am going to the right place at the right time for me.  For now, Gibson and I will make the trek to Denton daily.  I'm currently looking into daycare for him.  I found one place I think will be good, but not knowing where I will be makes it hard to know where will be a good fit for us.

How do you all decide where to live and when to make a move?  I have always had a soft spot in my heart for Irving.  I hated it until we moved away when I was 16 and moving Gibson here just 3 years ago felt so right at the time.  I had been teaching in Irving for 2 years commuting from Dallas and it that drive was killing me and I really thought I would be in Irving for a long time.  Then that changed and I started to really consider what it is that I thought I liked about Irving and started realizing that many of the reasons I did were no longer valid.  This isn't the Irving I grew up in.  I can no longer go somewhere and usually run into someone I know.  They have moved on.  It was always a bigger city, but to me it still had that small town feel.  I don't get that anymore.  The schools were never great, but now that I'm no longer working here, I have less say in where Gibson would go to school and due to transfer rules and other teachers leaving the district, my options for putting him in a place where I know someone who could watch out for him for me are limited at best.  We have tried a couple churches, but nothing makes me want to come back the next week.  I need to try more consistently to find one that is a good fit for us, but I don't even know where to begin.  I do not like large contemporary churches.  I like traditional services which doesn't tend to be popular in my age range or others with small children.  I need to get Gibson involved because I feel like he is missing out and I am to blame for that.  I don't want my hang ups to hold him back.  My parents own my home so I have essentially paid the mortgage, insurance and taxes on this home for the past three years, but at no profit for them.  I'd like to keep my payment the same which means we will need to downsize if we do decide to move.  And that's another thing... I really do love this house.  I love the layout, the room sizes, the yard.  It is perfect for us.  I love the kitchen and how it lends itself to entertaining which I would love to do, but I don't because I do not have any friends or family who want to come to south Irving.  How do you know if a town is right if you haven't ever really spent time there.  I applied in Denton because I knew it was a smaller but growing community that has all the conveniences of being in the metroplex, but is just far enough away to be its own spot.  Its about the same size as Sherman, but isn't Sherman.  But it is closer to Sherman than where we are now.  I have driven around twice since my interview, one Sunday afternoon while Gibson napped in the backseat while it was raining and once with my mom and Gibson just to get my bearings on where things were located and which neighborhoods we might want to check out (or stay away from).  Then there is the question of timing.  When do we take the plunge if we do?  Should we commute back and forth for a couple months?  Do we wait a year and see what happens?  My concern with that is that we still do not fit in anywhere.  We are essentially homeless because we are only in our home long enough to sleep and not in the place where I work long enough to establish relationships with other people.  We are in limbo.  I know these are decisions I have to make, but these are the things that are running through my head every night until 2 or 3 when my body finally just shuts down from exhaustion.  There are so many things I want to find for us.

My goals for our little family of 2:
#1 Find a church home where he can have a great group of youth to grow up with like I had.
#2 I want to find good friends and have real relationships with other people.  I want to do a supper club or have a girls night.  I want to entertain in our home, have game night.
#3 I want Gibson to get involved in things and not be so involved with just me and Nana.  Seriously, he's 4.  He should have friends and he doesn't and that breaks my heart.

If anyone has any bright ideas on how I even begin to accomplish these goals for us... please let me know because this has become my internal struggle and I am stuck.  I do not know where to begin or where to look for help.