The Red Dress

Back in 1997, my mom gave me a beautiful red dress for Christmas.  That spring I had hit my lowest weight, 147.5 pounds with the help of Jenny Craig and being on drill team (and having a 15 year old's metabolism).  

Easter 1997- size 8 Abercrombie jeans... with a gap in the back waistband... the smallest I was in high school.

Summer 1997- I also used to tan... I now freckle :)   I had put a couple pounds back on here, but still looked pretty darn good.

Cut to a summer of eating out and having fun. I had a boyfriend and we went out with friends and I didn't pay attention to my food the way I had in previous months.  Just before my birthday, I learned that we were moving to Waco and um... I didn't handle it well.  I was happy.  I was on drill team, I had a car, I had a job, I had a boyfriend, and I was having fun!  So, being an emotional eater, I started to drown my sorrows and undo all the good I had worked so hard for.  God bless my mom, she tried to re-motivate my by buying me this dress for Christmas.  It is a size 12 from Petite Sophisticate (remember them?).

I have never been able to wear this dress.  It has hung in my parents house or my house for the past 16 years.  It still has the tags on it because we thought I'd lose that 10 pounds (then 15, then 25, then 50... well you get the picture) I needed to lose to fit into it.  Those Abercrombie jeans used to hang on my wall as "inspiration" (actually stressed me and did the opposite, made me grab a cookie and a coke).  But this dress for the past 10 years, I have not even been able to put it on my body much less zip it up or have it look decent on me.  Believe me, I have a long way to go for it to be anywhere close to wearable and now I'm realizing I may be too old for the length of this dress.  But for giggles tonight, I decided to play the masochistic fat girl game of pull out the smallest thing in your closet to see just how far you need to go.  Y'all, I got my legs in side by side and could stand up.  I didn't fall trying to fit both legs in.  In my head, I'm thinking, ha, yea ok Amber, congrats, you stepped into a circle of fabric... then I had this crazy idea to pull it up.  I am not going to lie... it was about like stuffing a sausage, and it wasn't pretty.  BUT I GOT INTO THE RED DRESS.  I use the term "into" liberally as I am STUFFED into this thing and I would tear it to shreds if I tried to zip it or sit or bend in any way.

HAHAHA--- seriously, I cannot believe I am actually sharing this picture, but this is huge for me!  Look at the cheesy smile on my face!  Oh it is absolutely horrible and it is NO WHERE CLOSE to zipping!  And good Lord I don't show that much thigh in shorts much less a dress, BUT IT'S ON MY BODY!!  

Ok, all this silliness aside.  I do want to take a moment to compare a year ago to me today.  I know I look better, I know I feel better, but when I was looking for the above pictures, I found this from just last summer... how did I not know how big I was.  I actually thought I looked okay.  

This is the only picture I have of me from last summer... and I was in a wedding.  I think that says everything right there.  I knew, just didn't KNOW yet.  I'm blocking someone who is standing facing the camera, feet shoulder with apart and I'm facing the side!  I was round!!!  Look at my arm!  There are so many things in the picture that make me shudder...

So this is me today.  100 pounds lighter!  And so much healthier and happier!  

Not the best picture because this dress was actually flattering but without a full length mirror, its hard to get a decent pic!

And still with so far to go, but I finally did it.  This week I did what I had come to think would not ever be possible.  I saw that 2 in the hundreds place on my scale, change to a 1.  Seriously, I'm a completely different shape than I was in high school, but I now weigh what I did my senior year.  Funny that I now carry my weight in my boobs and belly where before I carried it in my butt and thighs ( I defy gravity--- ha, no, sadly, I can't say that's true either)...  But I can officially state that I have said goodbye to 100 pounds.  I am so encouraged by peoples support.  It is incredible. Gibson and I have some big changes coming up and I am going to keep moving forward and I confidently state that I will wear that dress in public within a year from today.  I've shed 100 pounds- I have at least 50 to go.  Honestly, anything from this point forward is vanity cause I'm having fun doing it!  I like trying on clothes!  I don't feel like shamoo in a swimsuit (and its a black and white polka dot SPANX suit so I would be justified feeling like an orca:)).  

Officially 6 months out :) Coming up with more questions than answers...

Well, I have been holding out on writing this post for the past 15 days because I so wanted to say that I reached my goal of being under 200 pounds.  I am so freakin' close it is not even funny.  Seriously for the past 2 weeks I have been at 200.4-201.5 no more, no less.  I am going to pay strict attention to every drop of liquid and every morsel I put into my mouth over the next few weeks and hopefully get this train moving in the right direction again.

On the plus side, I'm finally crossing into the not plus size side!  It is so liberating to be able to go into a regular store and have so many more options.  Y'all, I went to Gap Outlet on Thursday and things were too big!  And for all you tiny people who say that Gap and Loft run big and you can always size down there... good for you, I've never experienced that so keep that thought to yourself and let me have my moment of glory!  I'm really starting to like what I see in the mirror.  My legs look better than I think they ever have.  My arms need alot of work as there is alot of extra skin and jiggle going on there, but they are smaller than they have been and I no longer feel like they have to be covered.  I went out in sleeveless dresses and tanks a few times over the past couple weeks!

Look at my arm!!!  I have an arm and a shoulder... I'm starting to see definition!  YAY!

I just finished up my daily courses for my diagnostician certification and my probationary certificate is on my certification record!  I'm so excited!  I was offered a position in Denton ISD and I proudly accepted it.  It is a little farther away than I would have liked.  However, I had 5 interviews and my mom asked me, if geography wasn't an issue, which one would I want?  Without hesitation, I said I would want Denton.  It was one of those times where everything just felt right.  I liked the people, I liked what they had to say, I like the support they give their diags.  I will miss Keller Middle, but really feel like I am going to the right place at the right time for me.  For now, Gibson and I will make the trek to Denton daily.  I'm currently looking into daycare for him.  I found one place I think will be good, but not knowing where I will be makes it hard to know where will be a good fit for us.

How do you all decide where to live and when to make a move?  I have always had a soft spot in my heart for Irving.  I hated it until we moved away when I was 16 and moving Gibson here just 3 years ago felt so right at the time.  I had been teaching in Irving for 2 years commuting from Dallas and it that drive was killing me and I really thought I would be in Irving for a long time.  Then that changed and I started to really consider what it is that I thought I liked about Irving and started realizing that many of the reasons I did were no longer valid.  This isn't the Irving I grew up in.  I can no longer go somewhere and usually run into someone I know.  They have moved on.  It was always a bigger city, but to me it still had that small town feel.  I don't get that anymore.  The schools were never great, but now that I'm no longer working here, I have less say in where Gibson would go to school and due to transfer rules and other teachers leaving the district, my options for putting him in a place where I know someone who could watch out for him for me are limited at best.  We have tried a couple churches, but nothing makes me want to come back the next week.  I need to try more consistently to find one that is a good fit for us, but I don't even know where to begin.  I do not like large contemporary churches.  I like traditional services which doesn't tend to be popular in my age range or others with small children.  I need to get Gibson involved because I feel like he is missing out and I am to blame for that.  I don't want my hang ups to hold him back.  My parents own my home so I have essentially paid the mortgage, insurance and taxes on this home for the past three years, but at no profit for them.  I'd like to keep my payment the same which means we will need to downsize if we do decide to move.  And that's another thing... I really do love this house.  I love the layout, the room sizes, the yard.  It is perfect for us.  I love the kitchen and how it lends itself to entertaining which I would love to do, but I don't because I do not have any friends or family who want to come to south Irving.  How do you know if a town is right if you haven't ever really spent time there.  I applied in Denton because I knew it was a smaller but growing community that has all the conveniences of being in the metroplex, but is just far enough away to be its own spot.  Its about the same size as Sherman, but isn't Sherman.  But it is closer to Sherman than where we are now.  I have driven around twice since my interview, one Sunday afternoon while Gibson napped in the backseat while it was raining and once with my mom and Gibson just to get my bearings on where things were located and which neighborhoods we might want to check out (or stay away from).  Then there is the question of timing.  When do we take the plunge if we do?  Should we commute back and forth for a couple months?  Do we wait a year and see what happens?  My concern with that is that we still do not fit in anywhere.  We are essentially homeless because we are only in our home long enough to sleep and not in the place where I work long enough to establish relationships with other people.  We are in limbo.  I know these are decisions I have to make, but these are the things that are running through my head every night until 2 or 3 when my body finally just shuts down from exhaustion.  There are so many things I want to find for us.

My goals for our little family of 2:
#1 Find a church home where he can have a great group of youth to grow up with like I had.
#2 I want to find good friends and have real relationships with other people.  I want to do a supper club or have a girls night.  I want to entertain in our home, have game night.
#3 I want Gibson to get involved in things and not be so involved with just me and Nana.  Seriously, he's 4.  He should have friends and he doesn't and that breaks my heart.

If anyone has any bright ideas on how I even begin to accomplish these goals for us... please let me know because this has become my internal struggle and I am stuck.  I do not know where to begin or where to look for help.